Random shit

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See, that’s what the app is perfect for.

Sounds perfect Wahhhh, I don’t wanna

Need to crush a bad habit I get on crushes

I need to stop imagining an entire relationship with someone I get a small crush on. It’s something I consistently do and I need to break that habit.

It could be someone I match with on Tinder and have a lot of the same interests, especially super obscure stuff. I’ll start to imagine how a relationship would be, different stages, if this is the type of person I would stay in with a lot or go on get aways with constantly. It’s a bad habit, and I need to break it. It makes me get disappointed more than I should if nothing comes of it with the other person and it doesn’t progress beyond a crush. 

I feel off. Well, more off than usual. It’s hard to describe. I have trouble connecting with people lately, and I’m definitely not reaching out. I feel restless and my sleep schedule is shattered. I’ll wake up at midnight one day, three AM another day, and sleep fine the day after. 

It seems lately that it’s hard to shut my mind off and just enjoy things. Lately I’ve been wondering how a lot of people are and my plans for the future. Fun. I’ll really need to start getting some things in gear soon.

Breaking

A few days ago the window by my bed broke. I couldn’t find anything that had penetrated the glass, so it may have just been stressed from the temperature change (I just got a new heater installed). 

A bit ago part of my back tooth broke off. I’m looking at a small piece of my tooth next to my laptop. Ugh. I used to have nightmares about this as a kid. 

What else is going to break around me? I really hope it’s not the car. I’ve grown attached to this one and have taken exceptional care of it (as I’m only the second owner). 

It won’t be my resolve. That grew ever fortified long ago. It doesn’t waiver.

My morning, a summary

I wake at around 4am.

I spend ten minutes curating some porn, take care of business.

Shower, dress, then make breakfast consisting of potatoes, eggs and sausage with two tortillas. Normally it’s three, but that was the last of them.

Drive around town at 5am until 5:30ish, putting Pokemon in gyms as I play Pokemon Go.

Arrive at work and wait in the parking lot at 5:40am. 

6am I wonder where the other maintenance workers are. We work at 6am and today is a professional development day for the teachers (I work at a school), and we’ll be back to regular work tomorrow. Today is optional, but I like/need the “extra” cash. I wait until 6:15am, then leave.

6:25am I arrive at AM/PM and get a large coffee (minimal cream, light sugar), as well as some salted caramel chocolate chip cookies. I spend my morning watching Schitt’s Creek and bold, slightly bitter (by choice) coffee, taking a bite from the cookie and allowing the sweetness and salt to off-set the flavor of the coffee (as I purposely planned). 

I have laundry to do later. This isn’t a bad day for being up so early.

Perhaps I Should Use This More

I used to blog quite a bit back in the day. I was nearly an early adopter of LiveJournal (I missed it by a few days) and used it for years. For a while I switched to a physical journal and would write my thoughts, (sporadic) dreams, and life events inside of, more as a way to reflect back on and see my growth.

I’m considering doing a blog again. I had kept up with another one online, but it doesn’t feel as “secure”. Here, I’m semi-anonymous, so it grants a bit more freedom to express myself.

There are many aspects of myself I’d wish to explore a bit and writing is a way that I tend to do that, or at least organize my thoughts. 

I’m in a stage in my life where I need to make a few changes. I’ve had my degree(s) for a few years now and I’ve done very little with it. I am in the field it was meant for, but it’s not being fully utilized. I could be doing far more and I know I’m capable. Fear is probably one of the few things holding me back, that and this sense that perhaps I’m not worthy of certain things, no matter how hard I work for them. Eventually I need to accept that I am a capable person and have a lot of untapped potential. Anything that I’ve wanted and pursued, I’ve attained. I’m intelligent with a deep thirst for knowledge that seems to never be quenched. Coworkers respect me and I’ve been employee of the month before. 

Change needs to happen and I need to help make it happen.

So, it’s been three years since my last relationship ended. You’d think I would have been over it long ago, but we were in and out of each others so much after that. For about two years after the break up, she was in and out of my life. Sometimes she was single and other times she wasn’t. Sometimes we were just catching up, other times we were breaking down and talking about how we wished we had done things differently, or how much we still affect each other and shape each others lives. Either way, it’s been three years since we didn’t work out and the only person I ever felt understood me, walked away. 

It’s time for me to really focus on myself and my future. Start going after the things I want and figure out what they are. I know the potential I’m capable of, and should try to fulfill it somewhat. 

Maybe I should start using my Tumblr more. So few people I know, are aware of mine, which is incredibly good. It get’s harder and harder to hide my life online and stop it from blurring with my professional life. It’s nice to have a small little haven that no one is aware of.